Still boys, soon to be fathers – The Boston Globe

A recent Boston Globe Op-Ed featured a discussion with three young men who are part of Trinity Foundation’s Street Potential, a therapeutic group that engages high-risk youth through the arts.  Through quotes from these boys, you can see how growing up without a father has impacted them, as well as their hopes to be a role model for their children.

Still boys, soon to be fathers

By Tom Matlack June 18, 2010

I RECENTLY spoke with three fatherless teenage boys at Street Potential in Roxbury. The program was designed by Trinity Church in conjunction with the Massachusetts Department of Youth Services to help boys through the creation of visual art and hip-hop music. Two of the three boys have girlfriends who are pregnant.

■Who taught you how to be a man?

“I learned about manhood in the projects.’’

“[I learned] just manly stuff — how to beat people up, like . . . get money to bring home any way you have to. Because honestly, when my father left, I said, I’m always going to be looking for a father figure. He didn’t leave all my life . . . until this day, still like once a month. ‘Ooh, I see my father fight this dude. That must be manly.’ So it’s what it takes to be a man. Yeah.’’

“I learned from personal experiences . . . and that doesn’t make you a man because you’re going to end up being locked up. And I want to be there for my son, and if I’m in jail, he ain’t going to look at me like a man.’’

■Does becoming a Dad make you a man?

“A lot of fathers are boys.’’

“I wanted to have a kid, but not now. So it was an accident, but I don’t regret it.’’

“ I didn’t want it with her. But I don’t regret it, so that’s life. It is what it is.’’

■What kind of Dad are you going to be?

“I’m going to be a strict father.’’

“Yeah, I am, too. I know I’m going to be strict. (Laughter.) Reasonable, but strict.’’

“You can’t be loose with kids. Then they grow up to be, like, bad people. They could just turn crazy on you, then Lord knows what might happen after that.’’

■How did your Dad impact you?

“I don’t think not having had a father affected me.’’

“I think without a father, the kid’s always going to be looking for somebody like a father figure. It’s human nature. Like you’re always going to try to look for it somewhere. Sometimes kids go to the wrong person, and the wrong person teaches the wrong things.’’

■When are you going to be a Dad?

“The baby is due in October.’’

“I’m going to have one in a couple weeks. I’m having a boy. I want a girl though. That’s a chick digger. You got a girl — you’re a father, you got a little girl, they’re going to be like, yeah.’’

■Are you going to marry the Mom?

“Marriage is . . . not something that you do just because you have a kid.’’

“Yeah. It’s not something that you have to do. Just something legal. . .that’s what I think. I’ll do it if the female wants to do it, but I don’t really care about it.’’

“You know how the Bible. . .like you’re not supposed to have sex until you get married? I think it’s just . . . trying to play people.’’

“I think it’s a choice, but I’m not going to marry my girlfriend just because she’s pregnant. I wanted to have a kid, but. . .not now. But honestly, I’m happy though. I’ve been with her for a while.’’

■How about guys who leave their kids?

“It’s just selfish in my eyes. Like how do you bring someone into this world and you can’t — you don’t have the time to take care of it?’’

“I think that’s changing with time, because like now that’s frowned upon. Like nobody respects you for that.’’

“Before, it used to be like, yo, she’s wild. I could just say it’s not mine. Yeah, say it’s not yours. Now it’s just like, yo bro, you went in there without a condom and you check it.’’

■What scares you about being a Dad?

“I’m scared of not being able to be there. In any type of way. ’’

“ I’m scared of like, not knowing the answers to something. Like if my son has…a question or something and I don’t know the answer. Not like, what’s the capital of this? I’ll tell him like straight up, I don’t know. [But] like something serious, something he needs help on, and I don’t know the answer to it, or I don’t know how to fix it for him, that’s my biggest fear.’’

Tom Matlack is the co-founder of www.goodmenproject.org.